Heart of Ice.
I hope you enjoy! It will be continued, of course.
.............
“I am going to kill you. I’m going stab you, and watch your blood drip down your lifeless limbs. And I’m going to laugh, because you don’t deserve to live.”
Someone laughed, a sound from deep in the throat, but it came out tinkling, like a bell tied to a porch rafter in the wind. Water gushed from a pump, and a hand splashed the frigid liquid against a shattered mirror, a single drop of blood from a pricked finger spreading in the water. At first it was a single red spot, growing and spreading until the reflective surface was covered entirely in a gleaming crimson liquid. Another chilling laugh rippled through the air as its owner blew out a lantern.
................
“Hey, need some help in here!”
A nurse in a white smock called through the glass doors of the foyer, which shone white with frost in the dull winter sunlight.
“Coming, Sheryl. What’s the situation?”
“Stab wounds, abdominal, adolescent female.”
“Gotcha. Be right there, just gotta suit up!”
“Don’t, needya now. NOW!”
The nurse, Sheryl, was pushing a gurney with one hand; with the other she inserted a large needle into the patient’s arm.
“NOW!” she shouted again, her tone hinting her distaste at her colleague’s dawdling. In her profession, a handful of seconds could be the difference between life and death.
The colleague came racing, holding a rubber cylinder that attached to a very large suction cup; a ventilator mask. The man pressed the mouth piece over the wounded patient’s lips and nose, and began to compress the cylinder, forcing enormous puffs of air down the girl’s throat.
Her face was the color of new chalk; as if the blood had drained from her veins. As the air traveled into her body, her complexion began to change, gaining a slight pink hue about her cheeks.
Meanwhile, Sheryl had succeeded in placing the needle, and promptly deposited a vial of blood into its chamber. A push of the stopper sent the vital fluid gushing out of sight into the patient’s arm.
Her fingers fumbling, the nurse snatched out the first vial and stowed a second into the syringe. She did not stop until she’d exhausted the supply of blood vials in her pocket; a dozen.
Another person garbed in white joined them, a woman with slate gray hair who clutched a clipboard.
She stood, scribbling furiously with a stub of pencil as Sheryl and the male nurse fluttered about the limp form on the gurney.
“…three, four, five….wounds to the abdomen, ribs and stomach. And a…a carving…of a heart.”
The man’s voice rose I pitch, making the end of the statement more of a question. A heart-shaped laceration on the patient’s chest oozed with clotting blood.
“Critical concern, blood loss. Wound debridement immediately…”
“Erique, for the sake of this earth, get the ethanol! Rags!”
Erique darted to a cabinet where he grabbed a bottle of clear alcohol, and a mountain of gauze.
He poured the cleanser directly onto the wounds, the laid the gauze atop the puddle of alcohol and blood, and pressed his hands firmly against the open flesh.
Sheryl now worked the ventilator mask, pumping with her hands to keep oxygen flowing into the girl’s blood.
She flinched as an unexpected noise broke through her adrenaline-induced trance.
A sputtering sound, like a suppressed cough, made the grey-haired woman’s eyes dart towards the patient’s head. Sheryl removed the mask, watching as the patient coughed, clear liquid issuing from her mouth. Eyelids fluttered open, and the girl groaned, twitching her lips like a fish wrested from the water it called home.
“Respiratory is stable, I believe,” Sheryl stated, sighing sharply.
“Good, S. J.” The grey haired woman wrote a few lines on the papers she held.
“Now what, Martra?”
“Don’t you know, S. J.? You still act like a nervous jay as much as you did on your first day of internship.” Martra Schnyder M.D. possessed wit every bit as sharp as her angled cheekbones and pointed nose.
“Tranophine.”
Sheryl pulled another vial from her pockets, this one of a brownish syrup. She took another needle, deftly punching it into the injured girl’s chest, and placed the clear resin vial of painkiller into its chamber. A slow push of the stopper sent drug spilling into the coronary artery, sure to dull the thundering report of pain neurons to the casualty’s brain.
The girl on the gurney settled, her breathing audible between the now sanguine whispers of the emergency staff.
“Alright. I think she’s stable,” declared Enrique, dropping his blood-soaked gloves into the biological materials receptacle; donning a new pair.
“You think you’re finished?” M.D. Martra Schynyder furrowed abrow above the gleaming amber eyes.
“Uh, oh. Stitches?” He looked down at his slush-covered boots.
“No. I do the stitches, if you recall,” voiced Sheryl, almost mockingly. She relished the chance to irk a self-important male colleague.
“what then?”
“You re-check the patient’s vitals then transfer her to the appropriate ward.”
“Oh. Thankyou for reminding me, Da Schnyder.” He used the honorary term of his local dialect; the south of the city had its own distinct customs.
Without intention of embarrassing himself further, he quickly completed his check, nonetheless, prodding clumsily, looking for the spot where he could best feel the girl’s pulse.
Reaching for his stethoscope, Enriq quickly finnished the exam and ashamedly fled the room. Sheryl celebrated her victory with a silent smirk.
...........
Please feel free to cut it to pieces and review 'til the pages bleed red ink... of just give me an impression of what you read. Please?
Thanks for reading!
Cheers,
~Voxina
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Voxina!
I had just finished my review when my lousy laptop decided to crash.
So basically, Carlito has covered most of what I had to say. I did notice a few typos here and there.
I think it'd be better if you left another blank line to indicate the change.
Also, 'tinkling' and 'horrible' do not seem to form a picture in my head. Try some other word.
~Lava
Thanks for the review! I wasn't sure about the dialogue at the beginning, but I'm glad you like it.
I'll try to clarify some about the transitions between the objects and to the hospital setting. I totally left that part out!
Debridement is the technical word for cleaning out a wound. Like getting out the dead flesh and stuff, getting out contaminants. What can I do to help let the reader know what it means?
I think I'll play with the plot a bit as you suggested. My original intention was for her to recover quickly, but the allure of drama is taking over.
Thankyou for the input!
-Voxina
I usually don't like it when things start off with dialogue but this is a good exception. The dialogue is actually interesting and intriguing. It makes me want to read on. Good job
This paragraph was slightly hard for me to follow. There was a lot going on and a lot of descriptions. Like with the first sentence you compare this horrible sound to a tinkling bell and then the imagery of this bell on a porch happened so I thought this is where more stuff will happen. But then this pump is introduced. Where is the pump? Who's hand? Is the hand and the laughing person the same? Where are they?
Is this pump, hand, laughter, and mirror outside of this hospital?
You could just say breathing mask
My computer is underlining the bolded word to say it's misspelled but I don't really know what the word is so I can't fix it. I don't know what your trying to say here...
If she has all of these open wounds I don't think she'd be able to breathe on her own just yet.
Characters:
I don't feel super connected to any of the characters yet. I'm sure that will come better as it progresses, seeing as this is only part one.
I still want to know more about who is laughing and if the girl that's all cut up is the same person that is bleeding on the mirror.
Plot:
I think it was a touch unrealistic. I've seen enough episodes of ER to know that if your that cut up, it's going to take a lot more effort to get you stable.
Maybe try to make it a little more suspenseful. Like make her almost die and they have to shock her heart and do all that suspenseful stuff. I wouldn't have her start to breathe on her own or even wake up. Her injuries are described as being pretty bad so make them seem really bad.
Overall I think this is a pretty good start. Just clean up the transition between the mirror and water pump and what not to the hospital.
-Carly